By: Trevor Brown
For a small, brief period in time, security cameras served a purpose: protection, safety, prevention, reassurance—literally, security. Within the last (?) amount of years, security cameras have assimilated into the average suburban house appearance, inside and outside, numbing everyone’s perception of them. Essentially, home security cameras are just house acne. Big (little) balls that awkwardly watch you, but it’s rude to stare back, so better to pretend it doesn’t exist (or have always existed?) and pretend to be unaware of them, as if you cared to begin with, which is exactly the problem—we don’t care anymore! No one does!
There’s too much trust and faith in home security systems when they no longer work. Stray coyotes and (potential) neck-strangling strangers walk past our homes without any care for the consequences of being caught on camera! Our systems are ineffective unless we are actively watching the inside and outside of our house with them (the cameras!), through our phones, laptops, or whatever.
I believe that if we expect a system to protect us, we must abandon our trust in technology, as our dependence on technology has become a boundary for the potential of home security. I propose a system of home security that functions independently of home security cameras. A system that does not rely on technology, but rather, relies on people, will restore the conscious feelings of security while successfully deterring any (potential) perpetrators. This system, I propose, will position a guard in the shrubbery of, or closest to, a home, with the guard watching attentively for any signs of danger: mind-readers, burglars, etc. If the guard spots any danger: (I haven’t thought this far, but they should most likely do something about it).
This blog acts as a journal in which I will test out my theoretical system, in which I will spend the next few months hiding in my neighbor’s bushes, watching carefully, intently, for their safety, and I will document my observations, which should serve as a framework for the future of home security.
January 8, 2026
I am much larger than I thought. I must’ve stomped and squished a thousand little bugs, all screaming as loud as little bugs can scream! I will, unfortunately, have to reconsider how I will go about my watching duties. Cutting into the bush is my first thought—and probably the most probable option, so I think I will go with that, the cutting. Will update on how the cutting goes!
January 11, 2026
Learned that all I had were kitchen scissors. Kitchen scissors. I tried to carve my way, but it was far too much work. Just going to wear all green and crouch behind the bushes from now on while hoping no one sees me.
January 13, 2026
Past two days: nothing.
January 26, 2026
There has genuinely been nothing happening in the past (almost) two weeks. I just sit out in the sun most the day doing nothing. I mean, yeah, I guess that’s my job, to deter trouble, but where is the trouble??? How can one expect me to do my job when there is no job to do??? Very perplexing situation, but I predict I can get through such difficulty.
February 1, 2026
It has been brought to my attention that, apparently, my system is (has been) flawed. I’ve been spotted—recorded—posted!— all due to people’s stupid Ring Doorbells. I’ve been labeled as Green Man, with people posting about how stupid I look. #BushyIdiot was tagged in all the posts. I really can’t believe it…
February 18, 2026
I took a break for a bit, debated whether or not I should continue after being made aware of the unappreciative atmosphere within the neighborhood, and after a lot of thinking, I suppose I should, for the safety and well-being of my neighbors, continue watching.
March 4, 2026
A pleasant surprise has come out of this activity: fun! Fun! to watch people—so many people! My day is now fully booked with watching!
I know the inner workings of each household to the point where I can (mostly) accurately guess what each individual will do during each day of the week, and because of that, I have my own schedule for my watching duties, so that I do not have to endure the boring parts of these people’s lives.
There is one potential problem: I could get very bored with my schedule. So, going forward, I will be watching more and more people. I am eager—so eager!—to witness the various lives of my (other) neighbors.
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