By Wendy Mendoza
I feel like I’m a paradox. One that wants to be happy but thinks sad thoughts. One that is always there for people but, at the same time, nowhere to be found. I find myself thinking, “If I were to disappear today, would anyone notice?” “Would I be missed?” “Or am I just another forgotten thought, like a pen that rolled under my bed?” I want to be happy more than anything in the world, but I find it hard when I feel like I’m alone in this world. Destined to walk a line of wanting to be present and one of constant abandonment of my current duties. I spend more time alone than I do with others. I like solitude, but I don’t like the loneliness that comes with it. And with that, I find myself comparing more and more of my life to those who I think have it all. The friends, the family, the commitment to something beyond their inner thoughts. My life feels like it has no meaning, othing beyond the walls of my mind. Maybe I’m selfish like that. I work hard to always ensure that I’m my own priority. That above all else, I put myself first. But sometimes its hard being “strong.” I want someone to come into my life and help ease the pain, the suffering, the loneliness. I want to be taken care of, not having to spend time taking care of everyone else. But on the other hand, it gives me purpose when I’m beneficial to others. When I feel like if I can help out in any way possible, then I know that I’m needed, that I’m wanted, that maybe, just maybe, I’m actually not that alone in this world. But then again, in a room full of people, no one looks my way. I’m like a wallflower stuck in the wall watching the world go by. Watching how even if I do or don’t contribute, people will move on. Move past me like a car on the highway.
Then again, being happy isn’t something new to me because I love the concept of love. Of falling in love, of loving your family, friends, lovers and even those who feel like they can’t love themselves. I’m the one that always looks for the good in people, always. The one who wants people to see the good in the bad. The one who tries to give people the benefit of doubt before thinking the worst of them. The one who will always talk people up and not let them think badly of themselves. And this concept of falling in love is something that fills my heart with this warm and fuzzy feeling, that just grows and grows and grows until it cannot grow any more. To fall in love is to be seen to be filled with an endless amount of joy and harmony and endless amount of good days outweighing the bad ones… And when I spend time with those who know me, who cherish me, who know that when I’m quiet, I’m suffering an inner battle and need extra support.. They know when to ask if I’m doing better, if I need help, if I’m okay and when to let
me reach out to them and ask for help. Those are the people that make my life better. I may be a cynic when it comes to love, but romance novels are the way to my heart. I love, love and everything that comes with it. I love to read and spend time outside. I love going out learning new things, experiencing new things, visiting new places. Being able to explore the world for what is has is something that makes my life worth living.
Again, I feel like I’m a paradox… One that wants to be happy, but thinks sad thoughts.
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